By Tim Brown

Katie, knowing that I had a grade B in a A-level history, asked me one day if I would use my incredible historic prowess, knowledge and research skills to find out a little bit more about the history of the handbag. I did point out that I had specialised in the reign of Henry VII and the religious upheaval of the protestant movement in 16th century Europe, but I was met with a glare so here's my stab at it. Which incidentally was what I was going to get if I didn't write the article.

The first record of handbags comes through the mists of time from the very early hieroglyphs found by archaeologist Howard Carter after he smashed his way into the apparently cursed tomb of Tutankhamen. Ignoring the precious jewels on display, his lesser-known female assistant was drawn to the dusty etchings on the walls which revealed sassy Egyptian womenfolk showing off their latest handbag purchases. Later academics were able to divine from this that the crocodile was worshipped in ancient Egypt, not for its violent elemental power but for its skin, which proved ideal for making a really nice handbag.

Next came the Romans, the mightiest empire the world has ever seen and conquerors of most of the known world. Held up as the bastion of civilisation by dusty Latin masters in posh schools, the Roman Empire was really a cruel, brutish regime built on slavery but - by Minerva - they knew how to make a good handbag.

A painted Roman vase discovered fifteen feet below modern Rome depicts two Roman women, with the first showing her jealous friend a new sparkly bag she picked up that morning in the forum. However, the distraction of handbags and accessories became too much for the Empire to bear and Rome fell into a slough of decadence. After all, who wants to fight woad-wearing savages when you can wear really, really cool stuff? And so the Roman Empire eventually fell to ruins.

The Dark Ages that followed were truly a poor time for accessories and fashion. In between bouts of fear, cold and plague the average resident of the Dark Ages had little time to accessorise; with poorly cured pig bladders and mud proving the height of fashion for over three centuries. Dark days indeed for fashion-lovers.

All this changed, however, with the renaissance - that revitalisation and rebirth of the arts, literature and fashion. However, after the misery and despond of the Dark ages it perhaps went a little too far the other way with outlandish gem-spangled designs and handbags with ruffs. Call me old-fashioned but there has never been a need, then or now, for a handbag with a ruff. It's just plain silly.

The 19th century ushered in the Victorian age of steam, industrialisation and progress. The launch in 1843 of the SS Great Britain - the world's first iron-hulled vessel - launched a craze amongst fashionable circles for riveted steam-powered iron accessories. Sturdy though such things were, the incredible weight made them somewhat impractical and English fashions soon returned to more easily portable silks and cottons, while simultaneously the new practice of chiropracty was founded.

And so we arrive at the modern day, surely the apogee of centuries of handbag development. With materials and designs collected from around the world and fused together in a sum that is more than its parts. So where can the handbag go from here? Well I for one, predict that in fifty years we'll be holding shiny silver space handbags while we promenade on the moon. I guarantee it.

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Tim is an occasional contributor of whimsical articles to stripykat. For more articles check out the article index.