The bloke's guide to buying handbags

by Tim Brown

It is a universally acknowledged fact that the duties of the husband or boyfriend are more multitudinous and labyrinthine than applying for a mortgage or changing your energy supplier. To enter into a long term relationship is to enter into a maze of bewildering diplomacy and negotiations with your loved one that would leave the most eloquent Sir Humphrey tongue-tied and begging for mercy. And of most importance in this tight rope act is the bi-annual (or more than bi-annual if you've done something wrong) giving of the Christmas or birthday present.

You know her birthday is inexorably approaching as it's been ringed on the fridge door calendar since January, but you still haven't given any thought about what to get her. It seems far too complex, you would be happy with the latest Bond DVD, a subscription to GQ magazine or a bloody great sledgehammer - it's so easy for her.

You could of course just wimp out and get her a gift token or ask her mum what she wants. But real men should go for it and buy something personal and intimate. Now personal and intimate could of course be covered by a monthly supply of Tampax; but that's not really going to get you many Brownie points is it?

No, my definition of intimate and personal includes gifts that demonstrate a) your hidden (sometimes very hidden) feminine side; b) your sublime taste and c) allows your loved one to boast to her friends what a metrosexual, modern man her partner is. These, unlike sanitary products, will get you many Brownie points.

Jewellery is always pretty straightforward, if it's shiny and sparkles and isn't a gold chain from Argos embossed with "World's Greatest Nan" you're probably doing alright. A simple necklace and a matching bracelet will always go down well.

However, to enter into the lethal minefield that is clothing is perhaps a step too far for most heterosexual men and lingerie should always, always be avoided. There is an almost 100% incompatibility between the skimpy, uncomfortable, lacy scraps of material and stockings that men would like to see women wear and the huge, baggy but enormously comforting and comfortable undies most women like to wear. So just don't go there; the long silences, slammed doors and moody coldness just aren't worth it.

So where do we go now? With jewellery perhaps little pricy in this wintry economic climate what about accessories? Women just love accessories. To us men they're largely pointless - we carry our wallet, keys and mobile in our trouser pockets don't we? So what if we end up with horribly misshapen jeans that make us look like we've contracted a mild bought of rickets?

But women just love bags; they love owning them, using them, looking at them, and possessing them. They say that women love motorbikes as they're the perfect combination of pony, vibrator and hairdryer and perhaps it's the same with handbags - a heady combination of something cute, something to show off with and something that makes them look cool.

So, maybe the solution to all men's present buying problems is the universal appeal of a handbag? It ticks all the boxes - metrosexual, sensitive side? Tick! Not another token for beauty products? Tick! Something to boast about to friends? Tick!

So which to go for? A good combination can be cute and sassy (I'm not sure what sassy really means - I heard it on the TV while passing through the sitting room on the way to the garage one evening). Largely impractical - they are, however, just nice to have.

However, a slightly more practical alternative - a bag that is cool, sassy (there's that word again) and can be used every day is sure to take the biscuit. It will also serve as constant reminder every day and every time she reaches for her keys how truly wonderful you are. Now that's a present for both you and her!

--------------------------------
Tim is an occasional contributor of whimsical articles to stripykat. For more articles check out the article index.